Weight loss support with a spiritual element. I will keep you posted on my journey in the hopes that you will join me in becoming the person God wants you to be. Don't worry about being religious. Come as you are.




Thursday, March 6, 2014

My Niece Just Posted This

Seven Deadly Sins saga #1

Reveling in saccharin and salt-infested veins, I feel these chemicals embarking on a slow death march beneath my skin. I feel the greasiness upon my palms, as I take each overindulgent bite, telling myself that I’m not really doing any harm and can change as soon as I am ready to. I feel the enlarged pores upon my face each time I look in the mirror, attributing it to everything but the food I have so willingly gorged myself upon. I feel shamed by the way my clothing has betrayed me, painfully reflecting my choices in the form of unsightly bulges and too-tight waistbands.

But most of all, I feel disgust.

In my mind, I am that 12 year old girl once more, stuffing her face as a consolation for the disarray of emotions that tormented her. Food didn’t hurt my feelings and call me names. Food never taunted me on the playground with chants of “fatty fatty two by four” or picked me last for the team in gym class. Food never turned it’s back on me, shunning me when the popular kids came around, looking for an easy target for their mockery.

That 12 year old girl only grew older, still using food as a crutch for the hurt and dejection she felt. The men who used her for meaningless sex, the family and friends who didn’t understand her struggles, and the passionate longing to be anything but what she truly was.

But I was so much more than that.

I AM so much more than that.

I rose from the ashes of my former self. I, for the first time in my life, had broken the chains that bound me, holding me desperately in the throes of low self-esteem. I had been victorious, taking 64 pounds of angst from my body and throwing it in the face of the demon that had taunted me for so many years.

But yet, here we are once more. He is wrapping his arms around me lovingly, and making me think that I am not worthy of such success. Enveloping me in a depression, eating to sate my troubled emotions, and find myself tired, lacking vigor, and apathetic about all the things that used to mean so much to me. That the thinning hair and hormonal changes are somehow punishments for such hard and dedication, and only he knows the path back to true happiness. That I am weak and can’t fight these struggles on my own. That I have lost myself, a mere shadow of the person that I used to be, but he is only here to help me.

That I will blame anything but him for the pain that I feel.

We are locked in a battle of wills, and I can’t seem to find my way to the light.

Stalemate.

Lying in a torrential, unrelenting downpour of filth upon my body no match for the filth that I have heinously put within it.


My niece Amy and I share this battle. She loves to write. I know some of you will identify with this as well.
 

2 comments:

  1. I do get it. Your niece eats. I get migraines. I suggest that she (and you) read the book Unlearn Your Pain by Michael Schubiner, M.D. His focus is on people with chronic physical pain, but the more I read the more I believe that people who eat to comfort themselves... well, they are in the same sort of pain. And they can unlearn it.

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    1. I will get the book from Amazon and let you know my impression of it. I am always looking for explanations for my self-destructive behavior. Be careful out there today.

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