222.5 pounds this morning - this is how I begin 2011.
If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place. -Nora Roberts
Now I have to decide if I am going to weigh myself and how often. Weighing can be an emotional experience. That number is the indicator of who/what has been my God - food or God. I have decided not to weigh at all before but it seems I just slip slightly, then occasionally, then sometimes - then you know the rest of the story. I think I need that accountability. I have tried to fool the scale before - only weigh in the morning, stark naked, after going to the bathroom - take off jewelry, never wear shoes if going to the doctor, and decide on the lightest clothes. A week is really too long to wait and weighing every day can be discouraging so I think I will weigh on Saturdays and Tuesdays. I have considered fasting one day a week but haven't decided on that yet.
I am 61 now and often think about how much more time I have to get this done and have some years left to enjoy being slim and wearing beautiful clothes. I do like New Year's resolutions. Each year is a new beginning and a sign that there is still hope. I am going to stay in the moment better. Upon beginning again I look at 222.5 and think to get to 150 that's 72.5 pounds which is a little over 6 pounds a month which is certainly do-able but it seems like I start playing games and try to "beat the system" because I know that 10 pounds a month is also possible so I start out gangbusters, exercising like a maniac and eating salad until it comes out my ears and drinking a gallon of water - this never lasts and I know it. I get too caught up in the end rather than on the day to day journey.
I have had my weight off twice now. I treated it like a cold and now I am over it so I can go back to what I was doing before. The outside changed but the inside did not. It is certainly easier to do this God's way. We have been designed to respond to hunger and fullness and it's just that easy and just that difficult. I can't sit around waiting for my stomach to growl all tuned up to interpret the slightest stomach feeling as a cue to eat and when it doesn't happen I start to panic (it's kind of like being constipated).
Praying in the morning gets me off on the right track but as the day progresses I often sabotage myself at night. It's like I can't let myself be successful - that would just be too much and would mean I can do this I guess. I need to pray again in the afternoon and that should be my first response when I can see where the evening is going. I may exercise some but I have found it makes me hungrier if I go gangbusters so getting more movement into the day would be best at this time. A walk three or four times a week to begin. I will only concentrate on making today a success rather that looking out into the future - staying in the moment as they say (have you ever wondered who "they" is?)
A little more from Marianne Williamson - You can now rid yourself of the ghosts in your head. With God's help, you can forgive those who in their ignorance might have led you down a path of pain. Your body has not done anything to you; it has merely reflected the raging battlefield in your mind. When you were born, your body was perfect. The perfect imprint of your original self has not been obliterated--it has only temporarily been covered over by fear-laden thoughts. Your body never forgot how to be perfect; you have merely resisted its perfection.
Your body did nothing to deserve mistreatment, nor did you. But patterns of self-abuse were set into motion within you years ago, and now you must acknowledge these patterns, take full responsibility for them, atone for them, and ask God to remove these patterns so they can be cast out of your psyche. It's been a long time since you knew the experience of healthy self-love, certainly in relation to your body, and that is the miracle we pray for now.